fresh new start

today will be the last time I ever write about him. I'm starting over.
3 years is long enough for me.

goodbye end, and hello beginning.

here we go, go, go again.

I throw all of your stuff away then I clear you out of my head. I tear you out of my heart and ignore all your messages. I tell everyone we are through 'cause I'm so much better without you, but it's just another pretty lie 'cause I break down everytime you come around.

so how did you get here under my skin? swore that I'd never let you back in. should've known better then trying to let you go, 'cause here we go, go, go again. hard as I try I know I can't quit, something about you is so addictive. we're falling together, you think that by now I'd know 'cause here we go, go, go again.

you never know what you want and you never say what you mean, but I start to go insane everytime that you look at me. you only hear half of what I say and you're always showing up too late. and I know that I should say goodbye but it's no use, can't be with or without you.

so how did you get here under my skin? swore that I'd never let you back in. should've known better then trying to let you go, 'cause here we go, go, go again. hard as I try I know I can't quit, something about you is so addictive. we're falling together, you think that by now I'd know 'cause here we go, go, go again.

and again, and again, and again... I throw all your stuff away... then I cleared you out of my head... I tore you out of my heart...

so how did you get here under my skin? swore that I'd never let you back in. should've known better than trying to let you go, 'cause here we go, go, go again. hard as I try I know I can't quit, something about you is so addictive. we're falling together, you think that by now I'd know 'cause here we go, go, go again.

forever and always?

once upon a time, I believe it was a tuesday when I caught your eye and we caught onto something. I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me, were you just kidding? 'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down. we almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore. baby what happened, please tell me? 'cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door.

and I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all and you flashback to when he said "forever and always." oh, and it rains in your bedroom; everything is wrong. it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. 'cause I was there when you said "forever and always."

was I out of line? did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide like a scared little boy? I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure. so here's everything coming down to nothing. here's to silence that cuts me to the core. where is this going? thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore.

and I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all and you flashback to when he said "forever and always." oh, and it rains in your bedroom; everything is wrong. it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. 'cause I was there when you said "forever and always." you didn't mean it baby.

I don't think so.

back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything? back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?

it rains in your bedroom; everything is wrong. it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. 'cause I was there when you said "forever and always."

I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all and you flashback to when he said "forever and always."

and it rains in your bedroom; everything is wrong. it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. 'cause I was there when you said "forever and always."you didn't mean it baby, you said forever and always.

I don't think so.

puppy

DO WANT.

(I would love to wake up to this every morning)

I want a Nathan Scott/Haley James kind of love. I hope it'll turn into that; I've got the Haley part down, I just need the better half.

isn't something missing?

there's only so much venting a girl can listen to before she asks "why doesn't anyone want to listen to ME ever?"

day after day, night after night, I am left to sit online (by choice obviously) and listen to someone or something's problem.

did you know I'm clinically depressed?
did you know my boyfriend and I have been on and off for 3 years and he's actually the reason I'm on anti-depressants in the first place?
did you know I have and do tell him I love him and I've never once heard it back?
did you know I've lost my sister to a bar and it's tender every night?
did you know my dad is a raging alcoholic and is ashamed of me?
did you know my mom is jealous of every woman on the planet because my dad makes her feel insecure?
did you know I get comments daily telling me that I should die, or that I'm ugly, or that I'm fat, or that I'm actually worthless?

no. because nobody asks. nobody even dares to ask if I'm okay, or how my life is going. I'm just everybody's therapist. and as much as I don't actually mind, I just wish someone gave a shit about me. I can simply bring up my problem to a friend and they will go "oh... well my life sucks because I broke a nail." or something RIDICULOUS.

is there anybody out there?

have faith in me

have faith in me, cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe. so cling to what you know and never let go. you should know things aren't always what they seem.

I said I'd never let you go and I never did. I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it. if you didn't have a chance then I never did. you'll always find me right there again.

I've gone crazy, cause there are things in the streets I don't believe. so we'll pretend it's alright and stay in for the night, what a world. I'll keep you safe here with me.

I said I'd never let you go and I never did. I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it. if you didn't have a chance then I never did. you'll always find me right there again.

Future

Ever since my mom mentioned that she wants to switch mine and my sister's rooms, I have never been so god-damn excited in my entire life. It's a chance to reflect my ever-changing personality that has grown over the past 4 years.

I had just turned 14 when my room got completely made over. I picked a blood red colour for my walls, and I wanted everything else black and white. I chose this theme because it matches Avril Lavigne's first two CD's. Although I love my room, I want a more artsy fartsy feel. It's time to grow up to being an adult and take down the posters.

When I move into my sisters room, I'd like to keep my framed magazine covers that I have of Avril Lavigne, and the one gorgeous painting I have of Avril. I want to add pictures of my friends all over my walls, inspiration quotes, little paintings, and framed artwork of celebrities like Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn.

Just thinking about it makes me so excited. I have never wanted to do a project so much in my life. Only a year or so and I can make it happen!

there's something about the way the street looks when it's just rained, there's a glow off the pavement. walk me to the car, and you know I wanna ask you to dance right there in the middle of the parking lot.

we're driving down the road, I wonder if you know I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now. but you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair absent mindedly making me want you.

and I don't know how it gets better than this. you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.

so baby drive slow 'til we run out of road in this one horse town. I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat. you put your eyes on me in this moment, now capture it, remember it.

'cause I don't know how it gets better than this. you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.

well you stood there with me in the doorway, my hands shake. I'm not usually this way but you pull me in and I'm a little more brave. it's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something, it's fearless.

and I don't know how it gets better than this. you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.

the day you slipped away...

August 4th, 2004. It's been exactly 5 years since I woke up and heard the news that you were gone, that you had died. And I remember it clearly.

It was 5 o'clock in the morning, and being the night-hawk that I am, I was up online chatting with some friends. I was also on webcam. I left the computer to get the remote to turn on the TV, and when I got back my friend had asked me if I went upstairs. Obviously, I said no, I went the complete opposite way of the stairs. When I asked him why, he told me he seen someone walking upstairs. Scared, I got offline and went up to bed.

8 o'clock in the morning, 3 hours after I went to sleep, I woke up to my mom screaming. I automatically assumed she was dreaming, since she always yells in her sleep, that is until I heard my sister screaming a fit. I immediately got up. I walked into my sister's room sure enough to find my mom crouched on the floor holding the phone to her ear, yelling "My brother is dead! Oh my god, I can't believe my brother is dead," and my sister hugging her pillow tight as ever, completely drenched in tears. I asked my dad what had happened,

"Your Uncle Kelly is dead."

I didn't know what to say, feel, or even think. All that came out was "Oh." Moments passed and we travel downstairs, where I'm still half-asleep and so confused. I had never seen my mother so heartbroken. My sister was hugging my waist, still crying. She asked why I wasn't sad, why I wasn't upset like she was. I couldn't respond, because I honestly didn't know why. I didn't know why I wasn't teary-eyed and broken like my mother and my sibling.

At this point we had to tell my Grandmother; the parent of my poor Uncle Kelly. My dad decided he would drive to her work to pick her up so she wouldn't have to drive, because we knew the state she would be in. Here we go. My mother's on the phone; "Can I speak to Diana Reaume please? Thank you." A moment passes, "Mom... I have something to tell you... Just promise me to stay where you are... Carl is going to come and get you, okay?... Just listen to me... Carl will come and pick you up... Okay... Mom, Kelly's dead... He's dead. He died last night..." Just as they were finishing their agnozing conversation, my dad was bolting out the front door, driving away.

As many phone calls were made, and the news passed on, I fell asleep on the couch again. I heard the family members and neighbours and friends piling into the house, but I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to have to suffer the sympathy I was going to receive for the next week, at least. I didn't want to give or receive hugs, I didn't want to hold anybody. I just wanted to be alone.

When I did manage to wake up and escape everyone, I journied to the lowest level of my house. There, I put on Avril Lavigne's "Under My Skin" album and skipped to track 12 as I showed my respect for my lost family member in my screenames online. I just sat back and listened to the lyrics. Listening to the song only once wasn't enough. I had to keep it on repeat. Eventually after listening to it 7 times, it finally got to me. My mom walked downstairs into the basement to tell me more people were over, and she seen me sitting there, head in hands, sobbing harder than I ever have in my life. "Mom... it just hit me... he's gone. I can't believe it. He's gone, Mom." She gave me a quick hug and walked back upstairs. She, herself, didn't want to be near anyone. She just wanted to have her brother back.

It was my very first funeral, in my life, that week. And it was probably my worst. My Grandmother was the first to enter, with my Mother and her other brother, my Uncle Kevin, and of course my Uncle Kelly's wife, Kim. I had just seen a casket at the end of a long room; I didn't see a body in it, but I did see my Grandmother leaned over it, hugging whatever seemed to be in there, and yelling "Oh, my Kelly.... Kelly, my Kelly." The closer we walked, the more I could see. My sister was then grabbing onto my arm, almost breaking it right off from her grip; she immediately clasped her hand over her mouth and sobbed. I couldn't help but say "Oh my god..." as we approached the casket. There he was. Jeans, and his Mark Martin "Nascar" shirt. Asleep. I was almost certain he was going to sit up and make a ridiculous joke, but the problem was, he wasn't going to wake up ever again.

I hold very few regrets in my life, and the few that I do involve my Uncle Kelly. For starters, a massive fued broke out between my Uncle Kelly, my Mother and my Grandmother. Threats were said, cops were called. Being so young when the family broke up, I, of course, sided with my Mother and my Grandmother. My 8th birthday was the last time I had seen him. I used to hang out around his neighbourhood with friends almost everyday growing up in my teen years. I always watched his house, but never even stepped foot on the lawn or driveway. I was too scared. I didn't know if he would remember me or if he would tell me to leave just because of the past feud. Everytime I was in the neighbourhood I would just stop, look, sigh, and continue on my way.

Not a day passes by that I don't regret not knocking on his door, or answering the phone everytime he tried to call. I feel like if I would have, he would still be here. I would still be able to act like a goofball with him, I would still hear his jokes and his childish laugh.

I feel like I was never close to him like everyone else was, even though I feel more hurt than everyone else is and was. My sister was his Goddaughter, I was just his niece. I felt of less importance, but I'm told he really loved me. I never believed this until I came across home videos. He was the only one in the videos that could make me smile, and the only one that could play around with me. I immediately felt special.

Kelly Burleigh, the most amazing Uncle to me, I miss you and I love you. It's been 5 years since you left us, but it feels like yesterday that you were here driving me around in a doorless, roofless Jeep, celebrating all of my birthday's and Christmas with me, breaking my kiddie pools, playing baseball and hockey with us on the road, and of course throwing sparklers into your own car.

I hope someday we meet again.

you don't see me

This is the place where I sit. This is the part where I love you too much. Is this as hard as it gets? 'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough. I'm here if you want me. I'm yours, you can hold me. I'm empty and aching and tumbling and breaking.

'Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me. The way I wish you would, the way I know you could.

I dream of worlds where you'd understand, and I dream a million sleepless nights. I dream of fire when you're touching my hand, but it twists into smoke when I turn on the light. I'm speechless and faded, it's too complicated. Is this how the book ends, nothing but good friends?

'Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me. The way I wish you would...

This is the place in my heart. This is the place where I'm falling apart. Isn't this just where we met? And is this the last chance that I'll ever get? I wish I was lonely instead of just only crystal and see-through and not enough to you.

'Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me. The way I wish you would... 'Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me. The way I wish you would, the way I know you could.

I was afraid of getting my heart broken again, like before. 'Cause you hurt me so bad, and I was afraid to be vulnerable. And I was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. And I know that doesn't matter now after what I did, but I just thought that you should know. This was how I spent my summer; wanting you... I'm just too scared to admit it.

I am done.
I am done with you, and your lies.

You are supposed to be my best friend. Or was supposed to be, anyway.

You and I were inseparable, and all of a sudden you completely changed. You thought it would be extra neat to drop out of school, and move out of your house. You had no reason to do that. Your life was beyond great. Your family loved you, and you were finally picking up in classes.

Now, since you've moved, you think you're some fucking hot shot. I don't think so. You think hanging out with older people, getting tattoos, and "rocking out" is the way of life - let me tell ya something, kid, it really isn't. I hope you wake up one day and realize how much you messed up.

I'm especially disappointed because I found out you're a pothead again. Don't you ever try to tell me again that you quit drugs for me, and that I changed my life. I apparently mean fuck all to you.

I am sick of trying to keep this friendship alive when it actuality it died 7 months ago. Don't call me and ask me to hang out, because I know you're just going to fall through like you've done time and time again.

See ya.

I’d never given much though to how I would die — though I’d had reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this. I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.

Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something. I knew that if I’d never gone to Forks, I wouldn’t be facing death now. But, terrified as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to regret the decision. When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

here's another pity and there's another chance. try to learn a lesson but you can't. if we can burn a city in futures and in past, without a change our lives will never last. 'cause we're going fast.

you can sit beside me when the world comes down, if it doesn't matter then just turn around. we don't need our bags and we can just leave town. you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

what can we do better, when will we know how? a man says from a sidewalk to a crowd. if we can change the weather, if you wanted to yourself. and if you can't I guess we all need help, yeah, I need help.

you can sit beside me when the world comes down, if it doesn't matter then just turn around. we don't need our bags and we can just leave town. you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

we say and we do, all the lies, the truth. and all I need is next to me.

you can sit beside me when the world comes down, if it doesn't matter then just turn around. will you be the queen? and I'll be your clown, you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

you took my hand, you showed me how. you promised me you'd be around. I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me.

if someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause they're all wrong. I know better 'cause you said forever and ever. who knew?

remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool. I wish I could touch you again, I wish I could still call you friend. I'd give anything.

when someone said count your blessings now before they're long gone, I guess I just didn't know how. I was all wrong. they knew better, still you said forever and ever. who knew?

I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again. and I won't forget you, my friend. what happened?

if someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause they're all wrong. and that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again. and time makes it harder; I wish I could remember. but I keep your memory, you visit me in the my sleep. my darling, who knew?

here's a middle finger coming straight from oca-l-a . I appreciate your judgement, it's proved that I can't trust a word you say. those must be some pair of binoculars that you see every move I make. so I'll never be a liar but you'll always be two-faced.

you'll get what's coming to you. you're blinded by your instincts. I'm not your fucking game, I'm not so easily beat.

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made and I can't believe that I stayed so unhappy for so long. where did I go wrong? I've got to get out of this. my hand is on the handle. we're leaving everything behind. goodbye for a lifetime.

I'll rip that scandalous bitch in two. we'll bring the noise. try to pretend that I never even knew your name 'cause everything you are disgusts me (too bad I can't turn back time). so I wouldn't be here, what I'd give for you to disappear. so tell me, how's your edge?

you've got nothing better to do. I know why you can't see straight. I thought you were better than this, but you're just like everyone else.

moll, mark umbenhower <3>
I thought she was all, be yourself and respect yourself.
Your friend doesn't respect herself, and you're trying to be her

SO TRUE.

Shut up and let me go
This hurts, but I can't show
For the last time you had me in bits
Now shut up and let me go
For fear of leaving in regret
I changed this one when we first met
Now oh so easily your over me
Gone is love
It's me that ought to be moving on
You're not adorable
I was something unignorable.

happy mommy's day

I'm sitting here
I'm thinking back to a time when I was young
my memory is clear as day
I'm listening to the dishes clink
you were downstairsyou would sing songs of praise
and all the times we laughed with you
and all the times that you stayed true to us

now we'll say, I said I thank you
I'll always thank you
more than you would know
than I could ever show
and I love you I'll always love you
there's nothing I won't do to say these words to you
that you're beautiful forever
always, always and forever

you were my mom, you were my dad
the only thing I ever had was you, it's true
and even when the times got hard you were there
to let us know that we'd get through you showed me how to be a man
you taught me how to understand the things people do
you showed me how to love my god
you taught me that not everyone knows the truth

and I thank you
I'll always thank you
more than you would know
than I could ever show
and I love you
I'll always love you
there's nothing I won't do to say these words to you
that you will live forever

happy mother's day mom, I love you <3

watch your back.

I am really sick of hearing and seeing stupid, immature sluts trying to get with guys who are in a relationship and/or emotionally unavailable.

you know who you are.

first, I had to (and still have to) walk down my hallways for the past 3 years listening and watching to you act like child. I've heard so many disgusting stories about you. you is 16 almost 17 years old, and it's time to grow the fuck up.

secondly, I had to hear about you trying to break up one of the strongest relationships I've ever witnessed in my entire life. two people who are happily in love, never better, and you had to walk around school like you owned the fucking place telling people his girlfriend was "old news" and when he said he was at band practice, he was actually with you?

that really ticked me off.

thirdly, how dare you even try to start anything with me? you told me that if I wanted to talk, to come say it to your face... meanwhile, you're the one "arguing" with me over facebook. let's think about that for a minute, sweetie. let's see who the bigger person is.

you're jealous because the guy you have interest for loves me, and not you. he's my exboyfriend and you need to calm the fuck down and realize he doesn't want your scrawny ass.

last, and certainly not least:

you are TRYING to flirt with my best friend's boyfriend. they have been together for almost two years. do you really think you stand a chance?

back
the
fuck
off

that's all.

welcome.

so, i'm trying this site out. no idea what it's really like, but I've seen quite a few people on here.
so we'll see I guess!

I have had so much boy drama lately, it's stupid.

I finally have realized that I'm so fed up with moping around waiting for a miracle from him. I don't have options. I yell at him for all the shit he's done to me, and what does he do? he agrees. then he feels bad. but he doesn't want love. he doesn't want a relationship. he doesn't want me. I've been his recycled girl for the past two years, and I've had enough. I need something real, and someONE that I know won't treat me like garbage.

I have also realized that I don't want to be with someone whose going to analyze every little thing I do, every minute of everyday. I don't want someone whose going to argue with me because of his analyzations. I also don't want someone whose going to creep my blogs every 10 or so minutes because he's worried I might be writing about him. guess what, big shot. I AM.

I'm also extremely frustrated with prom. finally I bought my tickets, so that's a checkmark off my worrying list. my following worries: dressing my date, getting there, and the prom party. my best friend, Mitch, and I are going together and he promised me we were going to go shopping for him today. but as per usual, he bailed on me. we don't have a limo or people to attend with, so hopefully mama C will let him borrow her car, and we can go. and to conclude, I think it's complete bullshit that stuck-up bitches in my school want to have "invite only" parties... grow up, we're graduating for fuck sakes. spread the love.

I don't know what to do about being unemployed either. even though having a job while I'm doing afternoon co-op would be tough, I really need one. my dad is now laid off and spends his days and nights on the computer playing poker, while my mom cleans around his feet - we can't afford to buy anything. I could hardly afford to attend prom. my nana's generously paying for my hair to get done, thankfully.

I also want a job to help save for college. since my funds have disappeared into thin air because of my sister, I need to help my parents save up. I'd also rather not have to leave town for school, because I'm such a home-body. I've decided I want to teach communications technology, and do photography as a second job. I hope I can figure this out within the next year.

this is just what's on my mind for now, I suppose.